“Inside-Out” part 1 of 3
Come on, ladies, if we haven’t said it, we’ve thought it: “if I could just lose these 5 (or more) pounds…”. We all know it– the endless torture of reaching toward some imagined state of body betterment… improving the mirror’s reflection… liking the image staring back at us in self-portraits… an ALWAYS out of reach state of perfection necessary for true happiness… we’re convinced it exists, and we’re going to find it– somewhere between the mirror and the scale.
Funny thing is I’ve been all over the map, in and out of the mirror, on and off the scale, hated my reflection, hated the number, liked my reflection, liked the number, and I’m starting to think that a perfect “happy” place doesn’t exist at all- at least not where we’re looking. Or perhaps I should say obsessing. I talk with countless women, desperately seeking advice on how to improve their health (that’s woman code for “appearance”), and it always comes back to the same thing: We don’t think we look good enough. Problem is, who–or what— is setting the standard? And is it even realistic? Or HEALTHY!!!!?
My head-to-brick-wall moment came a few years ago while on a road trip with my hubby. I was feeling not-so-hot about my current state of body and apparently that had me quiet, self-absorbed, and less than friendly. As I sat quietly he asked me, “what’s up, babe?”, to which I promptly replied “nothing.” Silence lingered a moment or two after which he followed up with, “what…you think you’re fat or something?”. Sounds kind of silly but it really struck a chord with me and shook me up. Besides being irritated he’d seen the pattern enough to know, I was allowing the way I felt about myself to profoundly influence my mood, and likewise our time together. It’s a humiliating realization, but an all-to- common practice for many of us.
And let’s not exclude the guys here, either; we ALL want to like the way we look and feel- whether we relate that directly to our physical image or more so to our perceptions of status and ability. Being strong, healthy and active keeps us energized and social. The desire to improve and the drive to achieve are vital ingredients for an exhilarating life experience. Our mistake comes in believing that its the results of these efforts that will lead us to a place of peace, rest, and ultimately greater happiness. This belief turns into concentrated efforts, and these efforts absorb our time and energy, defining who we are by what we do and how it looks. Unfortunately its often our relationships that prove to be the casualty of our determination and endeavors.
At the same time, I find myself squirming whenever I hear a tired cliché such as “its what’s on the inside that counts- that’s all that matters.” To say that how we look and feel should be of little consequence is about as asinine and unrealistic as it gets. Would you hire an unhealthy nutritionist? Or an impoverished accountant? Perhaps a blind make-up artist? Didn’t think so- me neither. Now I certainly mean no insensitivity toward people who struggle with health, finances, or endure circumstances beyond their control, but the very fact I have to clarify as such is indicative of the point: I think most living, breathing, feeling human beings would agree that clearly both inside and outside bear significance. The real truth is that what’s on the inside and what’s on the outside are much more closely related than we often like to consider.
As a competitive bodybuilder, I’ve spent an embarrassing amount of time in the mirror, constantly sizing up whether my efforts (physical, mental, and spiritual) are paying off. And ultimately I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not so much about the inside vs. the outside, but more about the relationship we keep between the two. Ultimately, who we are on the inside- our character, self perception, and passions- manifests in what we project on the outside. Its evident in what we do, why we do, and how we do. Most importantly, the way we see ourselves- the interpretations we make about our reflection- have tremendous influence over the internal relationship we keep with ourselves, and consequently those around us.
Don’t get me wrong, good health will improve your appearance. High standards of self-care are important, and I REALLY enjoy getting measurable results from my fitness efforts. But it’s what we’re willing to sacrifice in our effort to achieve our goals, whatever they may be, that should give us pause. Perhaps that is the scale we should be checking in with on a daily basis–one which accurately tests the balance we keep between who we are on the inside and how it relates to what we give out to others. And better yet, rather than face into the mirror for daily self-inspection, why don’t we turn it out-become the mirror- and reflect back to others the true beauty we struggle to see in ourselves…